conflict resolution

If you remember, last week I was blogging about some issues in my apartment and, I'll admit, annoyingly agonizing over this apartment discussion we were going to have on Sunday. So guess what happened...the meeting went unbelievably well, or at least it seemed to. Everyone was civil and agreed that yes we should do the dishes and yes we should have apartment prayers and everyone went on with their Sundays, but that is not what I expected. My eighteen years of living with three sisters had prepared me for what I thought would be some form of a brawl complete with shouting match and bloodshed (even if only a little), but what I got was a polar opposite Stepford-esque "discussion." The crazy part is, I don't think that was a good thing. 

I was proven right when I walked in the kitchen at eleven thirty that night to find the sink piled too high to even fill a glass of water under the faucet. I was stewing over this for all of Monday morning and when I walked into Sterling May's lecture on conflict resolution, I knew that I really needed to listen. I realized that while I may have been afraid of the results of a confrontation, it was necessary and conflict can be a good thing. Our discussion went so well because we didn't say what was really on our minds. We were polite, which isn't a bad thing, but we were not forward enough and almost pretended like there weren't any conflicts and therefore could not move through and past them. Communication is essential if anything is going to change so I know that I need to do it, and be direct, but nice at the same time. I also realized that I'm having trouble categorizing the problem which makes it really difficult to solve. I'm sure that some of it is a process conflict because we obviously don't clean the same way, but it's probably also interpersonal with our differences in personality as well as with our roles as roommates. 

What I'm still not sure about is whether or not this is external, and that is because I haven't taken too much time to find out. I love the example of the missionary companionship interviews that Sterling gave to use as a guide for these discussions, but there is a problem: I'm not loving my roommates like I should. Because of some things that have happened between us have hurt me personally, I know that I have hardened my heart towards them and am therefore in no position to lead anyone to a solution. However, I know that as an answer to my prayers, the Relief Society lesson last week was about having charity for others and not judging them, and I know that it is my fault that I don't have this love and I promise to strive to get it back. When I do, I'm going to have a real discussion with my roommates where we actually talk about the real issues that we're having and take it as an opportunity not just to vent or condemn, but to collaborate and move forward into a better relationship. So once again, wish me luck or send me prayers if you'd like to!