conflict resolution

If you remember, last week I was blogging about some issues in my apartment and, I'll admit, annoyingly agonizing over this apartment discussion we were going to have on Sunday. So guess what happened...the meeting went unbelievably well, or at least it seemed to. Everyone was civil and agreed that yes we should do the dishes and yes we should have apartment prayers and everyone went on with their Sundays, but that is not what I expected. My eighteen years of living with three sisters had prepared me for what I thought would be some form of a brawl complete with shouting match and bloodshed (even if only a little), but what I got was a polar opposite Stepford-esque "discussion." The crazy part is, I don't think that was a good thing. 

I was proven right when I walked in the kitchen at eleven thirty that night to find the sink piled too high to even fill a glass of water under the faucet. I was stewing over this for all of Monday morning and when I walked into Sterling May's lecture on conflict resolution, I knew that I really needed to listen. I realized that while I may have been afraid of the results of a confrontation, it was necessary and conflict can be a good thing. Our discussion went so well because we didn't say what was really on our minds. We were polite, which isn't a bad thing, but we were not forward enough and almost pretended like there weren't any conflicts and therefore could not move through and past them. Communication is essential if anything is going to change so I know that I need to do it, and be direct, but nice at the same time. I also realized that I'm having trouble categorizing the problem which makes it really difficult to solve. I'm sure that some of it is a process conflict because we obviously don't clean the same way, but it's probably also interpersonal with our differences in personality as well as with our roles as roommates. 

What I'm still not sure about is whether or not this is external, and that is because I haven't taken too much time to find out. I love the example of the missionary companionship interviews that Sterling gave to use as a guide for these discussions, but there is a problem: I'm not loving my roommates like I should. Because of some things that have happened between us have hurt me personally, I know that I have hardened my heart towards them and am therefore in no position to lead anyone to a solution. However, I know that as an answer to my prayers, the Relief Society lesson last week was about having charity for others and not judging them, and I know that it is my fault that I don't have this love and I promise to strive to get it back. When I do, I'm going to have a real discussion with my roommates where we actually talk about the real issues that we're having and take it as an opportunity not just to vent or condemn, but to collaborate and move forward into a better relationship. So once again, wish me luck or send me prayers if you'd like to! 

Over the past few weeks, I've read the book Made to Stick by Chip and Dan Heath. The Heaths are brothers who brought together their insights from two very different professions to find out what an idea needs in order to spark change in behaviors or beliefs. Each chapter offers several examples of ideas that were successfully transferred through what the authors call the 6 aspects of SUCCESs: Simple, Unexpected, Concrete, Credible, Emotional, Stories. The stories were definitely interesting and really help me, the reader, to remain engaged throughout the book, but I couldn't help but feel like it was all a little sensational. If I were in a business where I needed to advertise a new service or get my employees to learn a new procedure, it would be fairly easy to apply these concepts. But for me, in my leadership role and my life, those are not my goals. It seems a little more useful when I think about it as being rhetoric and understanding the perspective of your target audience, but still there's something a little artificial and even deceitful about this. 


Then I realized that this is probably typical of someone like me (according to the Meyers-Briggs test) would think. I tend to be an idealist and value morals and ethics, but I struggle to "sell" my ideas. I think that I should just be able to be up front and plainly state my ideas and people should listen, that I shouldn't have to "convince" anyone, but that doesn't always work. The greatest insight to me from the book was that when a person learns or finds a solution to a problem, it can be extremely difficult to communicate those ideas to others because we forget what it was like not to know them. The ideas become a part of our frame of reference and we struggle to level with others who don't already understand. I loved this because one of my personal goals is to constantly gain and expand my perspective because I think that is essential for true progression. 


So there is a part of my philosophies on life that seems to suggest that I really want to love and help everyone like I've been commanded to do, but there's something that that is eating away at me as I am typing. I can honestly say that in this present moment, I do not love each of my roommates and that is wrong. We have all of these issues in our apartment of not connecting and not being nice to each other and not cleaning up after ourselves and while they're all petty, I am upset over them and there is a spirit of contention in our apartment. As I am currently wishing that none of my roommates are reading this, I am also overwhelmed with the realization that even though I poked fun at the idea of being a leader in my apartment at the beginning of this semester, my apartment really needs it. This weekend, we will be having an apartment discussion and I don't know exactly what I'm going to say. I want to take some time to really ponder the perspectives that each of us in the apartment are coming with and be prepared to offer my ideas for solutions in ways that everyone will be able to understand and will not feel threatened by them. I am also grateful for Professor Wilson's advice in her public speaking lecture because I may not practice my discussion since that would be pretty difficult, but I am going to have an outline of what I'm going to say and hopefully it will work. So I guess you can wish me luck this weekend...or since its BYU, you can pray for me if you'd like. 

time management

Time management are two words that I hear, nod my head to, and pretend that I do not have a problem with, but anyone who actually know me knows that I really am just pretending. Past all of the neon sticky notes and color coded schedules is a girl who is fairly good at identifying all of her responsibilities, getting overwhelmed by them, and choosing to pretend (again) that they don't exist until the last possible moment I can. I haven't confessed that to anyone not sitting around me in a circle waiting to thank me for sharing and support me through my uphill battle to overcome, and I have just put it out so that anyone who may care to read it can. I am truly, deeply embarrassed.   


I understand that its not unusual to have this problem, but people don't usually expect me to have it. I juggle my family, work, school (and not an easy one at that), activities, church, friends, and I'm the kind of person who actually take a leadership class and that implies that I actually have the ability to keep up with it all. To give myself some credit, I am not always so hopelessly lacking drive, and when I can gain the momentum, I can get a lot done...the problem is simply getting there. That is why I really appreciated Professor Wadsworth's lecture on time management. I was really intrigued by the idea that not only can I have too much stress, but also not enough; that I need a little stress as motivation to be proactive. That really changed my perspective from thinking that if my responsibilities were to disappear, everything would be so much better, when in fact I would probably stop progressing. I also really appreciated the part about dealing with procrastination, not avoiding it or giving it a more pleasant name, but actually dealing with it. I know I need to get better at setting deadlines and breaking tasks down into pieces and going after those large projects rather than getting to tired after just the small, somewhat menial tasks. 


So this week, I have begun to put these goals into my life as a student where the phrase, "I'll catch up this weekend," has become the definition of unfulfilled prophecy. I have forfeited my evening's social life for studying at the library until Coldplay's Clocks pushes me out the door. The best part about all of that was that here it is. Friday night, and although my roommates and I decided to shake it up by studying in the library's 5th floor bathroom with the couches and chairs, I am still alive. I am alive and happy and feeling a lot less overwhelmed. Still, I don't want to make this my routine, but once I am finally on top of school work, I plan to simply stay on campus from 9 to 5 and spend all of that time completely focused on school so that when I get home, I can give the time necessary to my other roles of roommate, visiting teacher, indexing committee member, and as  member of this community because as Professor Wadsworth reminded us, "You get self-esteem by doing good and acknowledging success," so here's to really doing some good. 

divine-centered leadership

While there thousands of books written, speakers who discuss, and programs that teach leadership techniques, there is always room for debate. None of them can guarantee you which choice is right and if the results will be what they need to. Knowing that, I would no doubt say that this week's lesson on divine-centered leadership is the most important concept that will be discussed throughout this class. No matter how much a leader from the past or a personality test can tell us about ourselves and how we can best lead in the future, our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ can tell us infinitely more. They know when the future will defy the past and what we know as fact will become unreliable and the only way that we can learn that is through them. 

When Dean Westerberg spoke to us, she first asked us to write down our own definition for divine-centered leadership and this is what I wrote: to be a faithful follower of Christ and His teachings and as a disciple become a tool for Him to use in all areas of one's life. It seems like I must have missed some things even though I feel like I packed so much into that sentence.I loved that Dean Westerberg defined divine-centered leaders by their actions because that is what determines a person's character. She said that a divine-centered leaders are often in the right place at the right time (because they're listening to the Spirit), always see the potential in others (because so does their Heavenly Father), are prayerful (because they know that the Lord knows better about what to do than them), are not competitive (because that is not their goal), love (with the pure love of Christ), are obedient (because they trust in the Lord's commandments), do things for their followers that they cannot do for themselves (because they are willing to sacrifice since Jesus Christ sacrificed for them), and are good delegators (because they recognize that others need opportunities to grow just as they do). 

What is really great about divine-centered leadership is that it applies to every aspect of life. You don't just center your church calling upon Christ and his teachings, but your whole life which can be at church, home, school, work, community, with people you do like, and those you don't. I think this is perfect for me in my goal of seeking to be; seeking to be a leader in my life and all of its parts and that all begins with seeking to be a true disciple of Jesus Christ and centering my life upon Him and His teachings. This is going to mean that I gradually and naturally look to the Savior, accept the role of teacher and servant, search the scriptures, pray for guidance and listen, help others to promote self-governance, hold individuals accountable, express adequate appreciation, set a personal example, and listen to the living prophets. With this eternal perspective, I am ready to try to make Christ the center of my life and be guided by the Spirit. I know that because we all have grown up so differently and cannot always understand each other completely, I need the Spirit to guide me as I interact with my roommates and especially in conflict. I need the Spirit to guide me to serve my family, friends, and acquaintances in the ways that they need. I have no doubt that as I am beginning my life away from my family and slowly preparing to have a family of my own, I will need the Spirit to guide me through every step.

In the Divine-centered Leadership reading, something really stood out to me. I guess I had just never thought about it, but Jesus grew up like you and me. He needed to come down here to receive a body, set an example for each of us, and complete the Atonement, and therefore He has experienced all of our sorrows and pains and can relate to us. But Jesus Christ can relate to us in another powerful way. He came into this life with a divine purpose and destiny just like we did, and like we do, He had to discover that purpose for Himself. 

"Christ recognized this eternal perspective very early in His life. At age twelve He told his parents that He "must be about [His] Father's business" (Luke 2:49). Even if the rest of His divine mission was yet to unfold to Him, He knew of His divine origin and its significance and conducted Himself accordingly....Before Jesus Christ began his formal ministry, He spent time fasting and praying in the wilderness. Though scripture does not provide many details of what transpired during this forty-day solitude, it is reasonable to suggest that He was seeking for, listening to, and following divine guidance. Through reflection and introspection, He obtained more clearly the divine mission that would mark His mortal ministry."

We may not yet know exactly what our Heavenly Father has planned for us, but neither did our older brother Jesus Christ and we can follow His example to find out what it is. Still, it will be unfolded unto us on His timetable, not our own, so we can work to center our lives upon Jesus Christ and His gospel and seek to be a tool in His hands. 

leadership personality

About two weeks ago, I walked into the BYU Counseling and Career Center to take the Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator.There were a few problems with this: 1. I don't really appreciate being labeled, 2. I took a personality/career/calling in life test that took 45 minutes my sophomore year only to find at the end that my results were "inconclusive" and they suggested that I take the test again...I didn't do that, 3. It was going to cost money and I really didn't want a thirteen dollar "inconclusive" message. So in all of my obvious cynicism, I walked into the center and gave them my Student ID and sat down to what seemed like the same two or three questions repeated over and over and over, but of course they were not exactly the same, so I was second-guessing myself and whether I was answering what I really thought or just what I want myself to think, or if my answers contradicted themselves, or if but luckily my lack of patience was more important to me than the actual results and I just stopped taking so much time on each time and finished just about as fast as I finished that sentence. 


So when I got my results, I was really surprised to see that I was not so contradictory. I am an INFP: Idealistic, loyal to their values and to people who are important to them. Want an external life that is congruent with their values. Curious, quick to see possibilities, can be catalysts for implementing ideas. Seek to understand people and to help them fulfill their potential. Adaptable, flexible, and accepting unless a value is threatened. An its not like there's anything wrong with that, it's pretty accurate in fact, but I always thought that I was this interestingly ambidextrous enigma of a person; a balance of left and right brain, and yet here I am completely one-sided in the types represented.Feeling a little bit one dimensional, I turned the page to see that my most suitable careers would be in the category of the arts, design, entertainment, sports, and media. This wouldn't have been so much of a problem however if I hadn't completely changed from wanting to study writing and literature to political science and law which ranks about twelfth on my list. So then of course I am second guessing my choice to switch my major and thinking about how much I am enjoying my writing class and how much I was dreading my comparative governments test and just had this overwhelming feeling of doubt.

As I let these feelings stew a little, just thinking about the results, my patriarchal blessing, and talking with my family, I finally had to take my government test and just what happened...I did really well. It wasn't so much that moment, but the confirmation that I was way over analyzing my results. Whatever I want to do and especially whatever I think my Heavenly Father wants me to do, I can and will do, but by recognizing my strengths and weaknesses, the road to get there can be a lot smoother and more fulfilling.I have had a change of heart and I really do appreciate that the Meyers-Briggs helped me recognize that I really do need be a little more decisive and little less perfectionistic, but that I do have strengths. Admitting that I have strengths, or even recognizing them, has always been difficult for me because there's aways that conflict between being confident and being humble, but I am good at relating to people, trying to use different perspectives, and focusing on the future. While I am seeking to be my best self, I am so grateful to have this new self-awareness that can be so rare in a leader. Now when one of my roommates needs some reassurance, I can be confident in giving it to her or when one of them is upset that I seem to be overbearing or nagging, she probably is right I should back off. Still, I am most grateful that I can always ask my Heavenly Father for insight into myself and how I can become better, and I promise to try to listen.